Struggling to balance the arguments, shouting and boundaries.

Feb 16, 2011

Incentivize For Peace
by: Lance Dobieski

Dear Jane,

There are many avenues you can take, and I have many ideas for you to work with.

Let's start with just one and if you try it and let us know how it is working for you, and at that time want another suggestion, that will be supplied as well.

You need to help your children to care about not arguing, since at present they don't care that they argue, but YOU care that they argue.

So what you want is for your children to care more than you do.

How?

Explain to your children all the reasons why they should not argue, and then set a new rule that if they do argue, there will be a consequence. This consequence must be something that neither one of them wants to happen, such as losing a toy or TV show or something that really matters to them.

Then you have to explain that it doesn't matter who starts the argument, if either one of them is arguing they both get the consequence. The consequence should last at least 3 hours but no more than a day.

If you picked the right consequence (Lack of a favorite activity, time alone in their rooms, no dessert after dinner, ect.) then as they argue and you begin to enforce the consequence, your children will begin to not want to argue since they will really NOT want the consequence that happens if they do argue.

You must follow through on this to make it work, and in this way your children will begin to care more than you do, since THEY will begin to suffer (in their own small way) when they argue, leading to less arguing among them and less suffering for you.

Try this for a week or two and let us know how it's working for you.

Hopefully some other parents will give you additional ideas as well.

Best of luck with this small but powerful first step. It WILL reduce the arguing in your home.

Happy parenting to you now and always!

Lance Dobieski
The Preteen Thru Teenage Parenting Action Guide

Struggling to balance the arguments, shouting and boundaries.

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Struggling to balance the arguments, shouting and boundaries.