Guest Author No. 1 - Mr. Glenn Heap
(Week 4 of 4)

Transcript From Our Guest Author Parenting Interview With Mr. Glenn Heap

This page represents week 4 of 4 of our first of many Guest Authors to come.

I would like to once again thank Mr. Glenn Heap for the time and consideration he has shown during his visit with us on this website.

To end our Guest Author’s visit, week four will always be dedicated to an open, honest, and very much impromptu parenting interview between me and our Guest Author.

Let me remind our website visitors that this Parenting Interview and the opinions expressed herein are offered for entertainment purposes only. Reliance on information presented in this Parenting Interview is at your own risk. Please review this website’s Disclaimer Page for further information in this regard.

Decisions on how YOU raise YOUR children are left wholly up to you and to your parental wisdom and personal discretion.

And now, without further ado, let me welcome back our first Guest Author Mr. Glenn Heap. It is hoped that you will find the following Parenting Interview useful and enjoyable.

PTTPAG – Glenn we want to thank you very much for agreeing to spend some time with us today.

Glenn – It’s my pleasure.

PTTPAG – Can you tell us a little bit about your children; two daughters who are in High School and a son who is in Middle School?

Glenn – My oldest child is the most interested in academics. She’s a little on the shy side though she is in a Musical at High School and she is happy about that.

My middle child is the most independent of my children. She is free-thinking and sometimes is a little bit difficult to help her stay within certain limits and boundaries, but she is a good soul. And she loves music.

My son also loves music, and he’s very small for his age like I was; he’s probably the smallest kid in his Middle School, but he is a lot of fun, and he gets along well with his peers.

PTTPAG – What aspects of parenting do you particularly enjoy?

Glenn – When I was a child I used to think about the type of parent that I was going to be . . . the home I grew up in, my father left early in the morning to go to work and came home late at night and was busy with church and other activities, so there wasn’t a lot of time to interact.

So what I think I enjoy the most is that I’ve situated myself in such a way that I can take my kids to school, pick them up from school, and teach my daughters a religion class in the morning before school as part of a class which they attend. I am my son’s sports coach at the YMCA, and I just enjoy interacting with them, watching them grow and develop, and seeing their personalities come up as they decide what’s important to them.

PTTPAG – Are there any particular challenges with having teenagers that you would like to comment on?

Glenn – Some of the challenges I have with my teenage girls are common to those that others have and I think, first of all, on a personal basis, it’s just that I miss when they were younger and when they were excited to see me when I came in through the door. When it made their weekend when we rented a movie and popped some popcorn and put a fire in the fireplace.

And now, or course, as teenagers their social world, their peer world, has taken precedence, and they’re not as excited to go on family vacations as they once were. I think I miss that; I think there is some sadness that we don’t really sit on the couch and snuggle as you might have when they were younger. So I do miss that.

PTTPAG – What are some of the benefits of proper parenting?

Glenn – Part of the benefits we won’t see, and what I mean by that is, I think when our kids are our age, they’ll be looking to us both as an example of what they want to do and what they don’t want to do.

My mother passed away two years ago on March 12th, which was her 80th birthday, and she used to tell people: “If you want your grandchildren to be treated well, then treat your children well”. And obviously she was talking about her legacy and that if she were good and kind and nice and loving to us, then we would probably pass it on to the next generation.

So I think that the benefits of parenting; if we’re loving, we’re firm, we’re attentive, we’re encouraging (but not pressuring), I think by-in-large most of our children will grow up and perpetuate those traits in the world, both with their children if they have them, and also in the community. So I think that our legacy is the greatest benefit.

PTTPAG – If you could change any aspect of your parenting experience, what would you change and why?

Glenn – What I would wish is that I were always coming from a good, healthy, grounded place. One of the tricks of parenting is that we ourselves have our ups and downs in life; our discouragements, set-backs, and our distractions. So probably what I would like for myself is consistency.I want to model to my children that while life can be challenging; it’s also joyful!

That’s the tricky part of parenting; how do we get through the years, not so much the difficult years for our children, but maybe our own personal difficult years?

PTTPAG – What ‘Super Hero’ power do think would help you the most as a parent?

Glenn – Mindreading. Now that’s a little scary because I might be a little intimidated or put-off or be discouraged by some of my children’s thoughts, but I think if I could really understand what goes on in each of my children’s minds; not so that I could be a police officer and “rat them out” or get them in trouble, but if I could really understand them, and if I really knew them, I think that I could better meet their needs.

PTTPAG – If you could take your family on a vacation anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go and what would you like to see?

Glenn – I’d like to say that I would want to go to Europe because I’ve never been there, but I don’t think my son would really be interested in going to Europe as an 11 year old. So if we were going somewhere as a family, I would want us to go to where my children’s cousins are, from both sides of the family, whom they enjoy being with.

For my kids it isn’t so much where they go, but it’s who they’re with. When we are with some of the cousins, my children loosen up and relax, and their personalities come out. We could just be playing a board game and have fun and laugh, and joke, and be together.

Let me share a quick story. One of my friends is a father of two, he has two daughters, and when they were young my friend thought it would be fun to visit Southern California (he lives in another state) and thought it would be great to go to Disneyland one day, Universal Studios another day, and Knott’s Berry Farm another day.

He prepaid the tickets and the three of them were staying in our home, and after a couple of days at amusement parks, his daughters were tired and they just wanted to stay home on day three and hang out with me, my wife, and our one young daughter at the time. But he insisted that his daughter “get in the car and go have fun at the amusement parks that were already paid for”. I know that that was well-intentioned on his part, but at that point, my friend probably was NOT meeting his children’s needs.

PTTPAG – Being married, how is your spouse a help to you in your parenting role?

Glenn – I do feel that I am fortunate since I have a wife who is level-headed. I don’t feel that she’s reactionary, and I think that together as we face the difficulties and challenges of parenting and decisions that we need to make, permissions that we need to grant or not grant, activities that our children want to be involved with or that we want them to be involved with; I feel that there is a pretty good ‘give and take’.

What we both bring to the table is our own experiences as children, and we did grow up in homes that were much different in terms of parenting techniques. As we talk back and forth we share with each other what DID work with us, and what worked with our siblings, because what works with one child won’t necessarily work with another. She’s one of six and I’m one of five so I think we have a lot of data there that we can look at.

We compare and contrast and try to be firm and fair and loving, and not make decisions out of anger or punitive desires, and as we talk and think about what is in our child’s best interest versus what we may feel they deserve for a certain misbehavior, we come to the best decisions.

PTTPAG – How does your spouse’s strengths compare to your strengths?

Glenn – I think my wife is better at setting limits than I am. My mother was almost like a friend to me and had a lot of trust in me and my choices. So I probably didn’t have as much structure as a lot of other kids need. I was able to self-regulate a little bit, so I would expect my children to make good, reasonable choices also.

My wife understands maybe better than I do that our children need to be told what time to come back home at and things like that, so she is better on setting limits than I am. She is an elementary school teacher so she gets practice at that every day.

PTTPAG – Can you imagine trying to be a single parent Glenn?

Glenn – Oh, I think that would be so challenging. One thing that I appreciate is sometimes in our parenting we “Tag Team” Parent. If we see that one of us is fatigued or just worn out, or is in a mini-battle with one of our children, we can give each other a break.

In single parenthood it is very difficult to do that. If there happens to be an Aunt or grandparent or someone else around, there might be some ability to share, but usually not with the same immediacy with which I can do that with my wife. I do think that is particularly challenging for single parents.

If we are at our wit’s end, and we are tired and frustrated, then our ability to reason is weakened. So probably the most important thing to do when we are upset is to calm ourselves down.

Now obviously we need to make sure that our kids are ok, so if they are young we may want to put on a favorite video for them while we step away for a moment and catch our breath.

I would as a single parent try to build in a support system with neighbors, family members, and people who are easily accessible and with whom my children feel comfortable so that I could use the “Tag Team” Parenting approach in that way myself.

PTTPAG – Don’t parents also have to feel comfortable with the person they are leaving their children with at such times?

Glenn – Yes they do. Parents have an ability to perceive such things using a kind of sixth sense. If something is amiss about another individual, even if it’s our family member or our best friend or a neighbor that everybody likes, or someone from church or from Boy Scouts, and we may have a little argument in our head and feel guilty that we perceive that something is amiss; I wouldn’t fight that feeling.

I would trust that feeling and if later I was proven to be wrong, I could make the adjustment.

PTTPAG – Any other thoughts on the complexity of being a single parent?

Glenn – Sometimes I’ve noticed in counseling with single parents that maybe they have sacrificed so much for their children in countless ways, and once in a while the other parent shows up only occasionally and buys them a new iPod or other such things, and sometimes those kids will fantasize about life with the other parent.

They may say: “I want to go live with dad. He’s always nice and he’s always fun”, because usually the non-custodial parent doesn’t have to battle with the children so much about homework and family rules, so maybe the children think that particular parent will always be more fun to be around.

What I would say to those single parents in that situation is, take heart. Know that what you are doing is good and right. With a longer-term perspective, your children will probably trust you the most (not that it’s a competition).

If you can just get through those hard days, keep that structure there, and obviously make sure you have some fun too, don’t be discouraged if you are sometimes compared to another parent who spends less time with the children and who doesn’t do the hard stuff with the children and yet seems to be loved more by your children.

I would rather that each parent plays both the good cop and the bad cop roles together and equally, but take heart if you are doing it alone.

PTTPAG – What two or three qualities are absolutely essential for proper parenting?

Glenn – Firmness, Fairness, and the concept of Joy.

I want to model for my children that life is joyful. Yes there is sorrow too, but we are here to be happy and to have joy. I think as a parent I’m modeling life. I want to model for my children that life is worth living, and that if we do work hard and are diligent, many of our dreams and hopes will be fulfilled.

PTTPAG – How do you help children to understand the concept of “fairness”?

Glenn – I think that we do see fairness over time, and what I mean by that is although in the short-term of life, life isn’t fair. Some people are taller than others, some have more illnesses than others, and some have more money than others. I guess the unfairness of life is thrust upon us. But I want them to see that over time life is fair. For example, if you do study every day in math your grades will improve. The other thing about fairness is that I as a parent am going to be fair and reasonable with them.

If I am going to spend some money on one child for cloths or sporting equipment, then even if it’s not on the very same day, that the other children’s needs will be met too. Children prefer parents whose expectations they understand.

If we can model for our children that life isn’t just what we are feeling and thinking and doing at this moment, that will help them understand that just because there is a sad day, doesn’t mean that tomorrow won’t be a happy day. And just because today we are cut from the basketball team doesn’t mean that six months from now we might not find a team at the YMCA to play for where we have more fun than we would have had on the school’s team anyway.

If our kids can believe that their needs will be taken care of, and this is part of that fairness, then they will know that come what may, we can always figure it out with patience and love and compromise.

PTTPAG – Have you ever heard that those who give the most parenting advice are the ones who don’t have children?

Glenn – Our children are not blank slates, and it is not all about how we raise them. Our children are born with personalities and with some DNA that may determine how well they can get along with others socially, with how coordinated they are, and maybe even traits like fear and confidence.

Parenting seems pretty easy when you’re not doing it.

PTTPAG – What do you think people who don’t have children would be most surprised at if they were suddenly thrust into the role of parent for just a few days?

Glenn – That your children simply say “No” sometimes. Even a two year old says “No”. Some people say that a 2 year old is like a 17 year old because at both those times it’s important for them to exert their independence.

They are their own persons, and they are going to decide what they believe regarding religion, regarding academics, and regarding how to take care of their bodies.

Maybe those who haven’t been parents yet may not realize how strong-willed an individual can be. It’s not that easy to keep them quiet on the airplane.

PTTPAG – What is one of your fondest parenting moments?

Glenn – When we were first starting out and we didn’t have very much time or money, we decided that on Friday nights we would have a sleep over, just the three of us - my wife wasn’t included. So we would lay out our sleeping bags and watch the Disney princess movies and pop some popcorn and fall asleep together. Those are some of my best memories.

Other memories which are currently being made are seeing my children achieve their goals. One of my daughter’s enjoys acting in the school play and my son enjoys playing the drums and being recognized for that. All of their hard work is all worth it at such times.

Just keep going, just keep plugging, and just keep moving forward and eventually some of that fairness we were talking about will manifest itself.

As parents and as children, if we just keep going and do what we know how to do, the best that we can, and just have faith that there will be good fruits eventually, then we’ll eventually see them.

PTTPAG – Is there any dangers or drawbacks to having regular, non-professional parents sharing their parenting advice with others?

Glenn – If we all have the attitude that we are simply sharing our experiences in the hope that somehow they can benefit someone else; I don’t think in this conversation we are saying that “this is the only way to do things”.

I think we’re speaking more philosophically and observationally. If we just look at it that we’re all sort of in this together; that you’ll teach me and I’ll teach you, whether it’s a professional of a lay person, as long as no one is trying to say “This is the way and only way because I say so”, then it’s all beneficial and helpful.

We as parents can trust ourselves and know if we need to show a child a little more mercy, or if a child needs to understand the consequences a little more directly and a little more quickly; I think we can sense it.

We may handle one child one way and another child another way, because what we’re trying to do is to encourage our children to make better choices. And we are trying to teach our children about life and how it works.

Rather than thinking “I am going to punish my child into submission”, we can think about what is going to enlighten my child so that they can see this truth, accept this truth, and live by this truth.

PTTPAG – What do you say to a parent who knows that they have messed up and have made some parenting mistakes?

Glenn – I would be transparent with my kids. Feel free to let your kids know that you think you may have mishandled a situation. Have some humility. Our kids know that we have messed up whether we admit it or not, so we may as well admit it.

It’s ok to acknowledge that you made a mistake, and that knowing what you know now you might handle something differently, and asking for forgiveness, even from our own children. That does not take power away from us. This also gives our children permission to admit that they aren’t perfect either, and I think we are modeling to them that it’s ok to say; “I can do things better”.

PTTPAG – What do you know now that you wish you had known when you were first starting out as a new parent?

Glenn – I wish I had trusted myself a little bit more. Now I am not trying to saying “don’t read good resources”, but I wish I had gone into it a little more relaxed.

PTTPAG – What parenting advice would you leave your children if you knew you weren’t going to be there later to tell them yourself?

Glenn – Take care of yourself and make sure you are balanced, and healthy, and that you are coming from a place of wisdom.

As you gather information and discuss it and learn; trust yourself. You’ll know what you want. You’ll know what you need. Listen to people. Look at their body language. Learn their fears and their hopes and their dreams so that you can get close to them.

And as you have children, even though we don’t know what their personalities are going to be like yet, if I’m a healthy person and I’m full of love, and I want to be firm and fair, and I want to listen to them, and I simply want to guide them and not turn them into ‘mini-me’s’, I’ll probably experience some of that joy when my children become the people they are meant to be.

PTTPAG – This final section is a fun time and is called “Quick Questions For A Quick Response”. These questions will highlight a little better who exactly Glenn Heap is. So just give me the first answer that comes to your mind when I ask you the following questions.

Question: What is your favorite color?

Glenn – Answer: Blue.

PTTPAG – Question: What is your favorite food?

Glenn – Answer: Vegetarian Pizza

PTTPAG – Question: What is your favorite movie?

Glenn – Answer: Return To Me

PTTPAG – Question: What children’s movie have you seen more than any other in your home?

Glenn – Answer: Mulan –and- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

PTTPAG – Question: What is your favorite book?

Glenn – Answer: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

PTTPAG – Question: What is your favorite children’s book?

Glenn – Answer: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

PTTPAG – Question: What is your favorite guilty pleasure?

Glenn – Answer: A Der Wienerschnitzel brand chili-cheese dog -and- I love baseball, and so I love to go and visit as many different baseball stadiums around the country as I can. I suppose that is a waste of time but I enjoy it.

PTTPAG – Question: What was your favorite game or toy growing up?

Glenn – Answer: Rockem-Sockem-Robots –and- electric football

PTTPAG – Question: What never fails to make you laugh, or causes you to feel really, really happy?

Glenn – Answer: Hmmmm. I think just being around small children. I want to be more like a child where just the thought of candy can make me smile for an hour.

PTTPAG – Are there any final thought or impressions that you would like to leave with us today?

Glenn – I would say that the most important thing with our children is to maintain a relationship. I worry sometimes that there are extremes of parenting; the inattentive parent who doesn’t set any limits, and also the parent that’s on their kids too much in trying to force them, and coerce them, and just taking things away from them all of the time.

Sometimes we can hurt our relationship with our children and I think if our children do things that they know we’ve taught them not to do, they may pull farther from us. I just think it’s important to stay close to our children; to always have something to talk about with them and to keep the door open between parent and child.

PTTPAG – Thank you once again Glenn for taking the time to talk with us today.

Glenn – Thank you and you’re welcome. It’s been an honor to be the first Guest Author featured on your website.

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