Long Distance Parenting for Fathers Helps You Be An Effective Parent From Afar Until You Can Return To Parenting Close Up

Since “Half the truth is often a great lie”, as per our quote at the top of this page, Long Distance Parenting is not going to ‘sugar coat’ the truth for you about this parenting subject (That is what well-meaning but not-so-helpful friends are suppose to do for you).

This Long Distance Parenting page is written with fathers in mind.

This subject is so important and it affects children differently for both mothers and fathers being the long distant parent. For this reason this page will be directed toward long distance fathers.

We have also addressed the issue of long distance parenting for mothers as you will see later on in this webpage.

Long Distance Parenting is usually the result of a divorce and is always the result of a breakdown of the nuclear family as originally envisioned by the parents involved.

No matter how difficult this family breakdown is for the parents (and it most certainly is a difficult and painful occurrence), it is always much more traumatic on the children who are less capable of understanding it and utterly powerless to prevent it. Parents have the power to decide and act in family situations; it is the children who are acted upon by the parent’s decisions.

Long Distance Parenting touches upon important topics such as Child Custody, Child Support, and The Effects of Single Parenting. Rising above all these issues is the bottom line for long distance fathers to understand and to effectively deal with:

How do I make the best of a bad situation for my children, and continue to be a true father to my children over the large distance which now separates us?

Following are some thoughts and ideas to help fathers do just that.

1. Long-Distance Parenting – A True Oxymoron

Firstly, don’t kid yourself that this situation isn’t as bad as it seems.

No, scratch that.

Firstly you need to forget about your own needs and wants if you truly want to be an effective father to your children, especially since you will no longer be physically close to them, which is the essence of proper parenting. You need to focus on your children now as much as possible, since Long Distance Parenting is much more challenging than parenting the conventional way around; close up and personal.

Since parenting requires close interaction with your children and true involvement with their lives, hopes, dreams, success’ and disappointments, the words ‘Long Distance’ and ’Parenting are nearly perfect opposites of one another.

According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

An Oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (such as ‘cruel kindness’).

So whatever created the conditions that led to you being a Long Distance Parent, if you want to now be the best father possible to your children you need to do some soul searching and make some tough decisions, which leads to our second point . . . . . .

2. Commit Now That Your Long-Distance Parenting Is Only A Temporary Condition

Effective Parenting requires you to be as close to your children as possible. Parenting is a hands-on, interactive, dynamic action word.

Parenting is a verb and not a noun. Parenting requires action, and the closer to the action you can be the better for everyone involved.

To do anything well requires your personal attention and commitment. Two quick examples are more than sufficient to make this point.

- Could you be an effective President of a company and live far away from your office in the company headquarters?

- Could you be an effective Coach of a sports team and live far away from where the team practices and plays their games?

So understand that your job as a long distance father is to make the best of a bad situation, but that you will do all in your power to make this Long Distance Parenting a temporary, and not a permanent, situation.

Cell Phone Kid - © Azureon2

3. Stay Connected & Involved With Your Children

Since you won’t be there physically for your children, Long Distance Parenting for fathers requires that you be there as much as possible in spirit, in thought, in action and in deeds that can be accomplished over distances.

Find ways to stay involved and active in your children’s lives that don’t require physical closeness, and in the degree you can do this you will succeed in being a powerful fatherly influence in their lives. In fact, since the modern world places such heavy demands on fathers and their time and availability, you may even be able to have MORE parenting influence with your children than ever before if you do this right.

Some ways to stay connected to your children over the miles are:

- Frequent Phone Calls

Call your children once a day if possible and ask about their day. Find ways to make this conversation comfortable and relaxed. You can always give them advice or ‘lay down the law’ when need be, but this is much easier to do when you have open and frequent communications with your children.

- Occasional Text Messages

The modern child would rather text than talk to his friend just a few feet away. Use this knowledge to your advantage and learn how to text and then text your children at different times in the day, a few times a week or more. Every text you send to your child will get your child thinking of you, and more importantly, they will know you are thinking of them. Each text you send is like a gift of love from their father, so text any silly thing you want to, but just do it.

- Email

Use this medium to send pictures and messages of love to your children. Every different way you can reach out to your children to communicate with them and help them know that their father has not forgotten them, the better and stronger your fatherly influence on your children will be.

- Letters

Take the time to write a letter to your child, at least once a month. A letter is a physical symbol of your parenting love and devotion, and this physical symbol is one your children will save, hold, look at, and keep safe, usually through the remainder of their lives. Never underestimate the magical power a physical letter can be in your fight for Long Distance Parenting success.

- Actual Visits

This should go without saying but “Don’t be a stranger to your own children.” Get back and visit your children as often as you can, and don’t say you will visit and then flake out on them. Always follow through on your stated intentions to visit your children, and then have a blast with your children once you are with them. Chances are your relationship will be better than ever since you did such a good job staying involved in their lives through following the suggestions mentioned above.

4. Don’t Try To Buy Your Children’s Love

Many Long Distance Parents feel a deep sense of guilt over their current parental situation. This is understandable and in some ways, as the father of a family that is no longer together, you ARE partly to blame for not keeping your family together.

This is not a personal indictment, however, simply a statement of fact.

However, YOUR sense of guilt should not affect in any way the manner in which you parent your children. Spoiled children do not turn out as healthy, happy, or self-reliant as those children who are not spoiled.

Throwing money and gifts at your children, even if well intended, can often be working against your children’s long-term best interests. Also, children are very aware of the world around them, and fathers can lose the respect of their children once they see that you are trying to substitute money for personal love and parental attention. Staying connected with your children per Step 3 above should prevent this from happening.

True love and devotion cannot be bought or sold. How sincere and valuable would your children’s love be if it were for sale to the highest bidder?

Just because you are a Long Distance Parent does not mean you should act any differently towards your children than if you were still physically close to them. Proper parenting is the consistent application of true parenting principles that are not dependent on distance or the caprices of time.

Keep it real and be yourself, since that is the father your children long to have.

5. Maintain High Parental Expectations

Lowering your parental expectations always backfires on you in the end.

Long Distance Parenting requires you to maintain high fatherly expectations towards your children, and demands that they do the best they can at all times, regardless of the difficulties or disappointments that the current long distant parenting situation may impose on them.

NEVER allow your children to use their sadness or disappointments over the current parental separation as an excuse to be less, or to accomplish less, than they could and should be doing. Instead, encourage them with the vision that these things can serve as object lessons for your children to learn from, so they can learn to be wiser and make better choices than you may have.

Always remind your children that their lives are THEIRS to live, and they can and ought to make wiser and better choices than you may have made in your own life. Share with them how you have learned from your own mistakes, and make sure that your children realize that no matter how hard or unpleasant things may be at times, you still expect them to excel at life and to be the best people that they can be.

You have a great deal of Fatherly Wisdom & Advice to share with your children. Don’t let the distance keep you from sharing the good you have to give to the children you will always love – YOUR children!

Parents who try to give their children the ‘easy way out’, or allows them to use your failures as an excuse for their own potential future failures, will eventually be seen as the weak and ineffective parents that they are. You can and must do better as the father of your own children. Keep your parental expectations for your children high, regardless of how far apart you live, and you will be honored by your children for the loving and effective father you are.

6. Be Open And Accessible

Life happens at a moment’s notice so be ready to deal with whatever parenting curve balls come your way. This would be true in a traditional parenting setting, and stays true in a long distance parenting setting as well.

Understand that children need the love, support, and direction of a father in their life. Remember that your children did not want you to be a long distance parent, and yet they need to accept that which they cannot change.

So with these realities in mind, Long Distance Parenting for fathers requires you to be more open and accessible to those times when your children may need your time and attention without prior warning. This will require you to judge accurately when you can help and when you can’t. Some issues may need your immediate attention and some you may be able to work out on the phone, through your ex-spouse or those with whom your children now live, or otherwise.

When your children have needs that rush upon you without warning, a loving father needs to be there for them; within reason. Long distance fathers should not be slaves to their children, nor should they be strangers to them. This balancing act is left up to you to perform as best you can.

This is why suggestion No. 2 points your mind towards making this Long Distance Parenting a short-term proposition – Parenting is best done in close quarters where time and distance cannot delay our parental messages nor dull their impact and importance.

7. Be Supportive Of The ‘Other Parents’ In Your Children’s Lives

This is the last of the Long Distance Parenting for fathers advice we give here, and yet this may well be the most important one of them all.

Since you are now a long distant parent, your children by necessity are living with other adults who are serving as parents, or parent figures, to your children.

You would be wise to encourage your children to listen and obey them. Whether your children now live with their mother only, or with their mother and a step-father, or with their Grandparents, or with whomever, children need to be encouraged by their father to respect and obey those who are now providing the love, support and shelter to them.

Even if your ex wife did re-marry, you want your children to be well and happy in their new home and surroundings. Don’t let anger or jealousy cause you to speak ill of those your children now live with as their parents as this can only lead to trouble for your children and trouble for the home in which they now live.

The hard truth of this matter is that if you didn’t want your children living with other parent figures, you needed to find the way to keep your family together in the first place. But since that just didn’t happen, once again, help your children make the best of what they now have to live with.

Keep an open and cordial relationship with the parent figures in your children’s lives. Let them know you are telling your children to love and respect them and to be good citizens within their homes and communities. This will help everything regarding your children, and will be the best service you can give your children during this time when you cannot be close to them physically as the father you are and ever will be.

You may also want to check out this Long Distance Parenting for Mothers page. It will give additional insights into long distance parenting, but this time with the emphasis on the mother's point of view.

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